A Pokémon Revelation

What makes one Pokemon more badass than another? Size? Strength? Speed? Type? Powers? It's none of these things! If you pay attention to the anime, games, and movies, you'll notice that...

The most badass Pokemon don't say their own names.

Pika pika

Here's everyone's beloved electric mouse, Pikachu. Pikachu only says its name, Pikachu, over and over to communicate. From the picture and the golden rule, Pikachu is clearly not a badass.

PWNED!

Here is Charizard. It evolves from Charmeleon, which evolved from Charmander. Both of its previous forms like to say their own names. When Charmeleon turns into Charizard, it grows wings (a Pokemon's version of balls dropping?) and drops its non-badass habit. Now, Charizard is like a honey badger, and simply disregards all life around it as it burninates any and all things.

Charmander kicks. Charmeleon scratches. Charizard kills.

Subject 2: Magikarp

This Pokemon looks extremely stupid. And it is. It's limited to 2 or 3 attacks: splash (no damage), tackle (almost no damage), and something else. Pretty much the weakest thing around. Similar to Charmander and Charmeleon, it likes to say its name like all of the other non-badasses. It will win no battles.

How do you like me now!?

Enter Gyarados. Yeah, that used to be Magikarp. It evolves and lets out all of its rage. Seriously, it learns an attack called DRAGON RAGE! Does it pass the golden rule of being a badass Pokemon though? Yes, it's the spirit of vengeance and too busy being pissed to even talk. Anti-bullying campaigns just need to look at Magikarp and Gyarados for inspiration. The Magikarp kid that you bullied could turn into a Gyarados. Even the game confirms its endless rage.

Keywords: rage, violence, burn, ruins, rampage, enraged, demolishes (source: serebii.net)

There is even a t-shirt dedicated to this badass phenomenon. Check it out here

Not an empty threat, like a badass

So far, all of the badass Pokemon have definitely followed the golden rule of not saying their own name. They just grunt and roar instead. Is there a Pokemon that's like a boss? Ordering others around? Taking over the world? All the while not saying its own name?

PWNED, again!

Mewtwo goes above and beyond the golden rule of badass Pokemon. It can even talk via telepathy. When Mewtwo raged, it assembled an effing army! 

Rage to the left, burnination nearby, and the boss in the middle

Eventually, in the movie, Ash and company convinced Mewtwo not to commit genocide and take over the world. But hey, it could have happened!

"The human sacrificed himself, to save the Pokemon. I pitted them against each other, but not until they set aside their differences did I see the true power they all share deep inside. I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." - Mewtwo

This was its reasoning for not becoming the boss of the world. Mewtwo's deep.

Is there an exception to this rule? A Pokemon that says its own name and continues being a badass? Yes, and it's the greatest charade in gaming and anime history.

This is Jigglypuff. It sings its name. WTF!?

Charizard burninates, but can be extinguished. Gyarados rages and swims on. Mewtwo gave up on becoming the boss of Pokemon. Charizard and Mewtwo have appeared as playable characters in the Super Smash Bros. series, one time each. Only two Pokemon have been in all 3 games: Pikachu and Jigglypuff. Pikachu is the icon of Pokemon, not a badass, but whatever. Jigglypuff, on the other hand, sings its own name and makes others sleep. Why is this thing in a fighting game?

Jigglypuff can slap, punch, and kick enemies to death, but that's not the point. What you're seeing in this video is its ability to sleep on opponents, and send them to the stars. Think about that. This thing can sleep on Captain Falcon and make him go flying! Charizard has to have some internal combustion and to open its mouth to exhale a blast of fire. Gyarados has to move its giant body, fly, smash, shoot beams, and so on to RAGE. Mewtwo focuses on targets and unleashes psychic powers. Jigglypuff sleeps on its enemy to blast it to the cosmos. Not only does it use so much less effort than the other badasses, it almost breaks the entire theory. However, it's the only exemption out of 600+ Pokemon. So, my theory still stands, right?